The Kaleidoscope
by 101tangerines
Summary: Edward goes home to Forks every Christmas. Why does he never bring a girlfriend? He's nice, handsome and deeply successful... His constant single status is a mystery to everyone but Edward himself.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello readers! _

_If you're reading my other fic "The Newman-project" you'll notice that this Edward is also an architect. This fic was actually written two years ago and I never planned to publish it here, but then I thought why not? We'll follow Edward this Christmas and revisit Christmases from the past. _

_I hope you'll want to come along._

* * *

**The twenty-first of December.**

Coming home for Christmas had been a tradition ever since I moved to New York nine years ago. It was the one condition my mother had. I'd left as soon as I'd gotten my letter from New York's most prestigious school of architecture and then I had never looked back.

And never slept.

I had spent the past nine years staying up all night. My sister Alice told me I lived my life like a vampire. Truth was my mind was stuffed and it would never quiet down enough to let me get some sleep. Over Christmas, staying at a hotel in Forks I could get a few hours of sleep if I was lucky.

I took a shower and then went straight to bed. I contemplated on wether or not to pick up my sketchpad, but I resisted the urge. But then as a true workaholic I couldn't help but to open my lap top and look through some emails. There were two hundred of them. About eighty I could delete at once. After a while I told myself I had to stop. I decided on trusting my assistent Jessica for once. I sent her an email telling her I'd gone through some and that she could do the rest.

Tomorrow I was going to meet everyone again. My father, my siblings and their families... and Bella who always brought that tool Mike.

Once again I was the odd one out surrounded by couples.

I shut off the lights and closed my eyes trying to ignore that the bed was too big for one person.

* * *

When I woke up it was still dark out. I looked at my wristwatch in the dark trying to make out the time but decided that it didn't matter. I was wide awake. I went out for a run in the snow. It was pitch dark outside so maybe it was still night, but another check on my watch let me know it's six o'clock. When I got back in the clock was only seven, although it felt like I had been out forever. I took a shower intending to make it last atleast an half hour, but I could only make it to ten minutes before I got bored.

Then I got dressed. Black jeans and a pale-blue shirt. I spent a good five minutes carefully rolling up the sleeves. I simply had too much time on my hands.

I was still in work mode. I sat on the bed restlessly tapping my fingers on my knee. I turned on the television but there was nothing interesting on.

I looked at my lap top for a while, trying to resist it, but I couldn't. It took me one hour to deal with most of the emails. Five minutes later I got an email from Jessica.

"_Good morning Edward,_

_Two hundred emails? More like twenty."_

I realized I had a problem. My mother had always told me to leave work in New York, but work was in my brain so it would need to be distached from my body in order to do that.

"_Was bored__. Keep a look out during the day if you have time._"

Jessica emailed back quickly.

"_I work for you. So obviously I have time. Now how about you enjoy your vacation instead?_"

I sighed and looked at my watch. It was 9am. _I _had time too. A lot of it. I took up my sketchpad.

I had started my own company as soon as I graduated from college. To my father's dismay it turned out that architecting seemed to be my calling in life. He was a doctor himself and had always envisioned that I'd follow in his footsteps. I did try, but it wasn't for me. The day I dropped out of med school to start studying architecture instead was one of my happiest and one of my dad's saddest.

But the company I started right after graduation quickly got successful and it seemed like an unstoppable force. Soon I was considered New Yorks "it" architect and in time not even my dad could ignore that. They claimed I was a natural, but it all boils down to two things: hard work and little sleep.

I sketched random things until ten o' clock. It was time to drive to my parents' place. I put on my shoes and grabbed my jacket and the bags full of presents. I put the presents in the trunk. Then with my hands on the wheel I took a deep breath. I had fooled myself into thinking I hadn't thought about Bella at all since I woke up and I hadn't - not consciously, but the truth was she's always in me, in everything I did. I could blame it all on work, but really she was the reason why I'd felt so restless all morning. I was going to see her today.

I began driving. It was like driving through a winter wonderland. The trees were heavy with snow and every house I drove by was heavily decorated with all kinds of lights. It was the twenty-first of December and I was much earlier this year than the previous one where I had flown in the day before Christmas day and left the day after. The plan this year was to stay until after New Years but I hadn't made any promises yet. While I always doubted it I knew the company would survive without me over the holidays and God knows I certainly had some vacation to put to use.

While in the car I tried to ready myself for "_The Yearly Questioning of Edward_". Another year where I didn't bring a girlfriend._ Why? Why? Why?! _Thirty-one and I've never brought anyone to introduce.

I sighed. I was almost there now. I could see the house: big, white and flawlessly decorated as every Christmas. Snow was falling now, slowly and the whole pitcure was straight from a fairy tale. I parked the car outside.

For a few seconds I stayed where I was looking in. It was like a commercial for the happiest family in America. My sister Alice was laughing with her husband Jasper in the kitchen. Her black short hair had grown since I last saw her. It reached her shoulders now and Jasper's blonde hair was almost the same length. He'd gone full on hippie. They were holding each other dancing and I smiled slightly at the sight. In a few hours my sister Rose would arrive with her husband Emmett. Then Bella with... _Mike._

I knew I could sit there for hours, not daring to go inside and be the odd one out as always so I made a decision and let go of the wheel.

I took a quick look at myself in the mirror. I was as pale as always and my hair was a mess. But I was alive.

Time to meet the family.


	2. Chapter 2

_Yay four reviews! Thank you, it makes me that much more excited to put up another chapter._

_Especially thanks to SunflowerFran who pointed out that I had in fact spellt the title all wrong (you may laugh at me, I know I am!)_

_Silfran, thank you for reviewing. I feel bad because maybe you tried googling it and you didn't find anything because of my excellent spelling skills, sorry!_

_But why not include a definition of a kaleidoscope:_

_"A kaleidoscope is a cylinder with mirrors containing loose, colored objects such as beads or pebbles and bits of glass. As the viewer looks into one end, light entering the other creates a colorful pattern, due to the reflection off of the mirrors."_

_It's mostly considered to be a toy. Maybe I'm a nerd but I can spend quite some time looking into those things. _

_Alright, enough talking._

_Here is chapter 2!_

* * *

I was about to knock on the door, but I knew that always made my mom sad because I wasn't a guest but a family member. So I simply opened the door. She was already in the hallway.

"Edward!" she exclaimed.

"Hey Mom," I greeted closing the door behind me.

She walked over to me and embraced me tightly. Esme was a typical mom. Fixated with keeping track of her children she'd made a tradition of calling all of us every Sunday and ask us about our week. Christmas was especially important to make sure everyone got together. It hurt her that I preferred hotels. I told her that I liked my privacy which was true, but the real issue? Bella's old room was wall in wall with mine. The day before Christmas day we all stayed over as tradition called for even though Bella and Mike lived just a few blocks away. I couldn't stand it knowing Bella was just a meter away and that she was sharing her bed with Mike. In time it became unbearable and I was up all night feeling miserable. At hotels I could at least get a few hours of sleep. It was neutral ground.

"You look handsome, as always," Esme said pinching my cheek.

I grimaced slightly at her move. And then Alice was there in two seconds. She squealed when she saw me and practically lunged at me.

"My big brother!" she cooed and hugged me tightly.

I hugged her back just as tightly.

"You're energetic as always," I teased. "I thought being eight months pregnant would slow you down, but..."

I got cut short by a harsh slap on my arm. I winced and Alice grinned widely at me.

"You look great," I told her.

Which was true. She'd visited me in New York a few months ago and she'd been exhausted then: constant nausea had made it impossible for her to eat or sleep properly and she'd had dark circles under her eyes. The old med student (and brother) in me had felt a bit worried she wasn't going to slow down enough to take care of herself. Just like me Alice was a workaholic. The main difference being that Alice's energy is abnormal and never ending, usually that is. Seeing her tired was unnatural and worrying.

Now her green eyes looked back at me full of energy and she was practically jumping up and down on the spot. Everything was as it should be.

"I feel great," she confirmed happily rubbing her huge belly. "And a little hungry actually," she said more to herself than me as she turned in direction of the kitchen.

"She eats all the time. You'd think she was expecting triplets," Esme teased.

"I heard that!" Alice called from inside the kitchen.

My mother ignored her.

"Let me take your coat," she ordered and I shrugged out of it.

She took my coat and then eyed me critically while I took off my shoes. I knew what was coming so I straightened up and let her have at it. Without saying anything she started squeezing my arms. It was meant as a joke and at the same time it wasn't, not really. I knew exactly what she was doing because she did it every year.

"Approved?" I asked ironically.

She nodded.

"Approved."

She always thought I wasn't eating properly. Ten years ago when I still lived at home I used to be picky with food and ate like a bird. That's something Esme would remember forever. That I was thirty-one now and perfectly capable of cooking my own food and eating it didn't matter. I would always be a kid in her eyes. It was both endearing and annoying at the same time.

"Where's dad?" I asked.

"He's doing rounds at the hospital but he'll be back in time for dinner."

I nodded. I didn't ask where Bella was because I knew she always came over some time during the day. As for Rose? _Pfft_! It was Emmett, her husband, who everyone wanted to see. I still didn't understand how they could be married. Don't get me wrong. She's my sister and I love her dearly but she's a handful. Easily annoyed and not very interested in anyone but herself. The best part? It had only gotten worse through the years. Most things ticked her off. Emmett on the other hand is like a huge teddy bear. The first time I met him he greeted me as if I was his best friend, arms wide open and everything. He treated everyone like that.

"Rose and Emmett will be here in a few hours," Esme told me as if she knew what I was thinking about.

"Good to know," I said.

She smiled slightly.

"She sounded..." she trailed off. "... Happy when I talked to her earlier."

We both frowned at that. It didn't sound like Rosalie.

"Oh," I said.

Alice came back now holding one of the biggest sandwiches I'd ever seen. I figured Jasper had been told to always have one ready.

"Hey you're still in your work attire? Didn't mom get you your costume?" she asked me.

Alice always joked that it was like a masquerade everytime I wore something less uptight than I usually wear. My mom immediately ran to get this year's knitting. She held it up for me. It was a maroon colored sweater and she ordered me to put it on immediately.

"Oh and Bella will be right over!" she called after me as I went to the bathroom.

I put the sweater over my shirt and made sure it looked alright. The color was nice and I stood there for a while trying to fix my hair all the while trying to tell myself that I wasn't fixing myself for Bella.

I hadn't seen her since last Christmas. I wondered if she was going to be mad at me or not for slipping away a bit in the last year. Usually we spoke on the phone often, but lately, because of me, we'd spoken less. I splashed my face with some water in an attempt to clear my head before entering the world of the living again. I found a clean towel and wiped my face dry. Then I went out again.

Alice ordered me to stretch up my arms. I didn't question it because I knew what she was doing and I had learnt through out the years that it was always better to obey than not.

"Good job on the seams, mom!" she complimented.

Alice was a clothing designer so she couldn't help but to look at mom's work. Esme was just a natural with all things concerning knitting and sewing. Alice had enheritated that talent. I went inside the kitchen and was about to say hi to Jasper when something attacked my leg.

"Help someone, please help!" I called out desperately.

Jasper laughed and I could soon hear the voice of Jaslyn answer.

"Silly! It's me," she said.

I looked down and pretended to be surprised.

"Hey I know you," I said.

She was five and was Alice's and Jaspers' kid. Being the only child in our family she got all the attention she needed and more.

"Hey man," I said to Jasper and reached out to give him a half hug with Jaslyn still clutching onto my leg.

"You good?" he asked.

"Yeah, you?"

He nodded again.

"This one has been talking about you all day," Jasper said nodding down at Jaslyn.

I looked down at her.

"Is that true?" I asked her.

She blushed hiding her face behind my leg. She was the cutest little girl. She looked like a little copy of Alice: green eyes and dark hair. And she wanted to marry me. She'd told me last year and Jasper told me now that I was still the love of her life. I made sure I didn't laugh at that in front of her so I took it most seriously and Jasper looked equally as mock serious as I did.

"Are you excited about your little sister?" Jasper asked her and looked at me mischievously.

"No!"

Apparently she wasn't.

"I have a feeling we're going to have to work on that," Jasper told me. Jaslyn was distracted by Esme now who wanted to take her outside in the snow. When she was out of earshot Jasper confessed to me, finally, that Jaslyn "_maybe was a bit spoiled._"

"You think?" I asked him pretending to be surprised.

But I couldn't really pretend I didn't have a part in it at all. I had brought several gifts for her to make sure she was properly spoiled this year too.

Jasper laughed.

"You should see her wardrobe. No five-year-old in the world needs that much clothes! I swear when we found out we were having another girl I nearly had a heart attack." He grimaced. "I suggested to Alice that our next one could do with hand-me-downs since we already have a girl. I feared for my life! I'll never suggest that again."

He took a deep breath before going into full Alice mode.

"_Hand me downs_?" he spoke in a high pitched voice, hand on hip and everything. He even tossed his hair. "_No girl should have to wear hand-me-downs! Not when her own mother and father owns a clothing brand! That's plain silly! Every girl should feel like a princess. Hand-me-downs?! You're ignorant!_"

The resemblance was striking and we both laughed until we noticed Alice in the door way glaring at both of us, hands on her hips. Her eyes were practically shooting daggers at us.

Jasper cleared his throat.

"And then I said, "of course baby! You're right. I _am_ ignorant. I'm also not worthy of your love. What did I do to deserve you? I'm not worthy!""

Alice smiled brightly and blew Jasper a kiss before disappearing again.

"Man I love her," Jasper said shaking his head. "She's crazy but I love her."

I smiled at that. Alice and Jasper had married after dating only three months and was probably the most perfect match I had ever seen. They even worked together. They had their own clothing brand called_ J.A.W_ which was simply their initials put together: Jasper and Alice Whitlock. They'd met seven years ago when Jasper did a go-see for one of Alice's fashion shows (_yes he used to model, something Emmett made fun of regularly_). She said she'd never experienced anything like it. She'd looked up and seen her soul mate and they'd been together ever since.

"When is Bella coming?" I asked casually.

I told myself not to ask anyone else. Esme had already told me she was on her way over. I didn't need to push this, but I was simply too excited to hold it in._ Damn it._

Jasper shrugged his shoulders in response.

"Soon, I think."

"And Mike," I couldn't help but to add.

Jasper scoffed.

"I wish Bella would realize he's a real..." he began but then it was Jaslyn's turn to show up in the doorway.

"... Great person," he filled in. "Isn't he, _Eddy_?"

I didn't answer. I merely glared at him.

Mike called me "Eddy" all the time which I hate. Only Emmett was allowed to do that but only because he used to defend me against bullies when I was younger – I _knew _that he was on my team, but Mike... He hadn't earned it. He didn't call me "Eddy" out of affection. He called me "Eddy" because he didn't like me.

"We're going out!" Jaslyn told us.

She was ready, fully dressed for going out in the snow and I knew she wouldn't give up until we all went outside. Jasper and I went to the hallway to put on our coats and shoes but we weren't doing it fast enough.

"I'm too warm," she complained.

"Go outside honey," Jasper said but she shook her head stubbornly in response.

"Hurry!"

She looked like a miniature of Alice standing in the doorway making sure we were following her orders. Esme and Alice were already outside collecting snow which there was plenty of. I'd always loved this plot. There were tons of trees, some Christmas lights decorated now and there was even a beautiful gazebo.

"We're doing a snowman," Esme announced.

So we all got to work. I found myself having a good time. It was easy to forget why I had felt so worried and down in the car before. Right now everything felt great. When the snowman was done Jaslyn had the honour of placing the carrot in his face. Being held up by Jasper in order to reach she looked like she had the most important mission in the entire world.

"Oh!" Alice squealed. "Don't forget the scarf. Let me get my Hermés!"

I think we all collectively rolled our eyes, but I admitted that the snowman didn't look quite complete without the scarf.

"It's because it's Hermés," Alice reminded me nodding proudly.

"What should we call him?" Esme asked.

"Edward!" Jaslyn exclaimed looking swiftly at me before turning away embarrassed.

Jasper actually laughed out loud this time and I tried not to laugh along because it felt mean but I heard Esme and Alice laughing as well.

Then we started a snowball war. As usual Alice was the most into it. Again it didn't seem to faze her one bit that she was eight months pregnant. She ran around like a maniac with Jasper calling out "_take it easy!_". She responded very maturely by sticking her tongue out and throwing snowballs at him. Then he was laughing too because it looked hilarious with this tiny person with a huge belly running around.

Myself, I had Jaslyn and Esme after me. They'd teamed up unfairly and I knew I had to find a hiding spot. I tried telling myself I was too old for this, but I realized snowball wars were too fun to ignore. I hid behind a huge tree. It was a perfect spot from where I could see and hit everyone but no one could see me unless I stepped out. Genius.

That is until I felt something hit my back. _Alright. Revenge time. _

I turned around expecting to see Alice. But it wasn't Alice.

It was Bella.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you guys for the reviews. You're awesome!_

_Next time I update I'll post a longer chapter (or two short ones in one go)._

* * *

She laughed while she embraced me. I was shocked, slowly putting my arms around her. I hadn't seen her in a year.

"Come on, hold me tighter!" she ordered and held me closer. "You're too cool for real hugs now huh, mr hot shot?" she laughed softly in my ear.

So I held her tighter. I closed my eyes briefly inhaling the scent that was Bella. She'd used her strawberry shampoo for years and it was a scent I'd always associate with her. Too soon we let go but she held onto my hands and her brown eyes focused intently on my face as if she was memorizing my features carefully. When she looked at me like that I felt like I was the person who mattered the most to her in this world. Why did she have to look at me that way when she was with Mike?

Bella had been a part of our family ever since she was fifteen and her parents, who were my parents' best friends, died in a car accident. People we knew would be surprised if they ever found out that I considered her to be the love of my life when they had always viewed her as a unofficial Cullen.

This was all too screwed up. Had everything worked out the way it was meant to I would have considered Bella my sister. After all she considered Alice and Rosalie her sisters and they considered her their sister in return. I guess I was too old when Bella was unofficially adopted by our family. I was fifteen. Hormones raging and everything when she moved in with us.

Seeing her now I couldn't hold back. I was grinning like an idiot.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey you," she said giving my hands a firm squeeze before letting go. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too," I answered.

It had started snowing now and I looked on as the white snowflakes landed in her dark brown hair.

"So I hear you're doing great in New York as always," she said smiling and I stopped looking at her hair now.

I had to stop zoning out but thankfully Bella didn't seem to notice. I nodded mutely and she smiled shrewdly at me.

"If only you would call me every now and then I wouldn't have to bug Esme all the time."

"I'm sorry," I said. "It's been a crazy year."

While that was true working wise I'd made a conscious effort to cut back on our contact. I told myself that it would make my feelings for her fade away. I even dated the same girl for three months straight in an attempt to fool myself that the feelings I held for Bella was just a stupid crush and something I could control, but things got messy and I realized I couldn't use another person like that. It was unfair and so that ended.

I couldn't pretend anymore. While my plan had failed I still held hope that Bella- withdrawal would be the best alternative.

But here she was and it felt like my feelings had only grown stronger. I mentally smacked myself for not having called her in a while. I had no idea what had been going on in her life lately.

I was about to ask her how she was doing when Alice came running squealing having seen Bella from afar. Bella nearly toppled over but Alice let go just in time to look at me excitedly. Her eyes were practically glittering. I always knew she had news to tell when she looked like that.

"Bella got named teacher of the year!" she announced happily.

I looked at Bella who was blushing profusedly. She was a middle school teacher and I knew she was the best teacher. She loved children and was great with Jaslyn. She was just one of those people who had never ending patience and her voice was always gentle and soft. In the fourteen years I'd known her I'd only seen her lose it once and that's when she found out her parents' had died all those years ago. I shuddered at the memory. _Don't go there, _I told myself.

"Congratulations," I said. "You've earnt it."

"It's nothing," she said shaking her head. "It's kind of lame isn't it? Nothing like being the "it" architect in New York."

I rolled my eyes at that. "So where's Mike?" I asked casually.

Bella smiled knowingly at me. Although I had never told her she had a feeling I didn't care much for him. She surprised me when she said that maybe he'd stop by later on or he might not. I frowned. While I felt somewhat excited at the prospect of not seeing Mike this year, it sounded a bit odd.

"How come?" I asked curiously.

She maintained her smile.

"He wanted to spend it with his parents," she explained. "We're always here so..." she trailed off. "You know."

There was something that felt off, but I was distracted by Esme who told us all to go inside where she was going to fix us a modest lunch. Modest, meaning she'd prepared all morning. Bella happily hooked her arm in mine for the short walk in. She kept saying how much she'd missed me and how happy she was to see me. I found myself telling her the same things and for a few blissful minutes I forgot all about Mike.

We went inside. I tried ignoring how beautiful she looked. She wore one of my favorite dresses on her. It was long sleeved, flowy and royal blue: the color that looked beautiful with her pale skin. She told me I looked great in the sweater Esme had knitted for me and if I was a blusher like Bella, I would have blushed.

What's wrong with me? Seriously. Bella made me feel like a adolescent when really I was an adult and had been for quite a while. But I guess that's what love does.

Before joining in on the lunch I went to the bathroom to splash my face with cold water again. I felt like I was losing my head.

Fives minutes later we were all seated around the huge wooden table in the dining room.

"So Edward," Alice said casually. "Have you met someone?"

And here we go. Alice had started up the process that I had to go through every year. Not that I really blamed them. I had never brought a girl back home. There were all kinds of theories. Some of them spoken out loud, some of them not. _Was I gay? Was I depressed? Was I asexual? Did I have a giant wart on my back that kept the girls running away from me?_

"No, I haven't since you last asked," I answered.

"When was that?" Alice frowned.

"Yesterday," I reminded her.

Alice had called me right before I'd boarded the plane asking me if I was bringing someone. I had told her if that was happening she'd see it on full display on signs all over Forks. She hadn't found that funny at all.

When I delievered my usual answer that I hadn't met someone this year either it was mom's que to enter this year's bachelorette. Every year she invited single women _simply by accident_ to the Cullens' "the day before Christmas party" and called them friends to the family although most of the time none of us had never met them before.

"Maybe Tanya will be here this Christmas again..." She said meaningly.

I raised my eyebrows. I was Impressed. Tanya _actually_ was a friend to the family although my mom had tried to get us together a little too many times now. It was starting to get uncomfortable. Especially since I'd used every excuse possible to make myself as unavailable to her as possible but she wasn't getting it at all.

"Lovely," I said my voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Didn't you tell Tanya you were gay?" Jasper recalled laughing.

I smiled widely at Jasper.

"This year I'll be even gayer," I decided.

He chuckled, but Alice didn't appreciate my joke.

"I just don't get it," she said frustrated.

"Me neither," mom agreed.

"It's alright girls," Jasper soothed. "It will all be alright."

"You're handsome, talented, smart!" Alice told me.

My mom nodded.

"Amen."

Alice narrowed her eyes at me.

"You're picky, that's it!"

"That's it," I said.

Bella who had been quiet all lunch suddenly spoke.

"Obviously Edward doesn't want to date. He has a lot of work and he likes to spend his time there, right Edward?" Bella said looking at me smiling.

"Thank you," I said gratefully. "You should all listen to Bella more," I said scoldingly.

"But she's wrong!" Alice whined childishly.

"Calm down honey," Jasper said.

Bella always came to my defense and Alice was right - she was mostly wrong, but how could she possibly know? I imagined telling her now. "Actually Bella, I want to date _you_." I wondered how that one would go.

After lunch we baked gingerbread cookies with Jaslyn. For a few hours it felt like bliss. We acted like kids and ate too much dough while talking about nothing too heavy. When the cookies were in the oven Bella asked me if I had a minute. We went inside the livingroom where we sat down. She folded up a paper she'd been holding in her hand. She straightened it out and I noticed it was the sketch of her house I'd done years ago.

"I can't believe you kept that," I said chuckling.

It looked like it had been bathed in coffee and dirt. Bella smiled a little.

"I still think it's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me," she said sincerely. "And it wasn't I who spilled coffee over it. It was Mike. I swear to God I almost hit him," she said laughing.

I noticed her laugh sounded a bit strained.

"Probably an accident," I said.

"Right," she agreed.

I picked up the sketch and eyed it carefully. I had done it some years ago. Bella had told me about her dream house and I'd stayed up all night to make this one for her. I smiled realizing I had improved quite a bit since then.

"It would make a lovely house," I admitted.

She wanted a modest house. She enjoyed gardens the most so that's where she wanted most of her space. I liked the picture she often painted for me whenever she spoke about the life she daydreamed about. Bella in the garden planting flowers and picking apples without a care in the world. Drinking lemonade on a porch overlooking a garden full of colorful flowers. I wondered where Mike fitted in there. If she was alone or if he was sitting beside her holding her hand.

She took a deep breath, bringing me back from my thoughts.

"Do you think we could make it happen?" she asked sounding slightly nervous.

I frowned at the sketch.

"You've decided to build a house anyway?" I asked her.

Bella shook her head and looked at me with a peculiar expression.

"Did I tell you I had a nightmare?"

"No," I answered.

She frowned.

"I was in a car crash," she said. "Mike was with me in the car... Instead of thinking..." She moved her hands while she was trying to find the right way to put it. "Oh, I dont know. Maybe that I was afraid to die or that I didn't want Mike to die, I thought..." She blushed now and looked at me quickly before her eyes darted back to focusing on the sketch. "I'm ashamed really".

"Tell me," I said.

She frowned again.

"I didn't want to die with Mike. See, death doesn't scare me. I've lived with it my entire life. I just don't want to face it with someone I don't truly love," she said. "I remember wishing it was you..." she said suddenly looking at me.

Then she looked away. My heart skipped a beat.

"Or Alice," she added.

_Oh._

She smiled innocently.

"Isn't that horrible? That I wished you were dying with me? What does that say about me?" She asked looking on the floor now.

But my mind was still on her words she'd said seconds before.

"Someone you don't truly love?" I repeated. "You don't truly love Mike?" I asked.

Bella blushed again.

"Did I say that?" She said shaking her head as if trying to clear it. "Point is..." She said looking thoughtful again. She left this subject far quicker than I wanted her to. "I need to do what I want to do and I want this house to be built". She sighed. "I bought my parents' house. I think I needed it at the time. I mean I've needed it until now, but I have to let go. I'm an adult. I'm twenty-eight years old, Edward. I can't spend my life living in the past right?"

I nodded.

"So where do you want to build it?" I asked.

She frowned.

"I haven't thought about that. I'm not entirely sure I want to stay in Forks. If I need to start fresh maybe I need to move, you know?" She paused, a small smile playing on her lips. "Somewhere that has a bit more sun maybe."

I drifted off not sure what to make of all this.

"Sure," I said absentmindedly. "Let me know when you've figured it out and I'll help."

She smiled while putting her hand over mine.

"Thanks, Edward."

"No problem."

We fell into silence both of us looking at the sketch.

"Who would you want to die in a car-crash with?" she asked suddenly.

A horrible spontaneous thought came to me: Mike. Just because then he would die.

She laughed.

"I mean if you don't think about that person dying, but you know. If you _have_ to have someone beside you."

I was quiet for some time before I answered, contemplating it seriously.

"I'd want to die alone."

She looked me deeply in the eyes.

"I knew you were going to say that," she said sounding unhappy. "That makes me sad."

I wanted to ask her if something was going on between her and Mike, but right when I was getting to it I heard a booming voice from the hallway shouting "Merry Christmas, Cullens!" Bella looked at me smiling.

"Emmett!"

We went to the hallway only to be suffocated by Emmett doing some kind of group hug with us, by that I mean he was pressing both of us against his chest.

"You look great Eddy!" he yelled in my ear. "You too Bells."

"Hey Emmett," I answered finally getting air when he let go.

We all but stiffened when we noticed Rosalie just taking off her coat in the hallway. Bella and I looked at each other grimacing slightly. Emmett however looked excited as if he had a surprise for us. Esme showed up. She was always the first one to greet Rosalie and she always knew how to best keep her in a good mood.

But when Rosalie came towards us it felt very wrong.

She was _smiling_.

"Hey guys!" she greeted happily throwing her arms out as if expecting us all to throw ourselves at her like we did with Emmett.

It felt like a trick or some kind of horror movie._ What could she possibly want?_

"Come on, I don't bite!" She urged.

"But you do!" Alice called out.

She was standing a few meters away looking very skeptical.

"That was _years _ago, my dear sister," Rosalie responded sweetly.

Alice looked at her narrowing her eyes suspisciously. Then her mouth fell open and her eyes went wide.

"You're pregnant!" she exclaimed.

And then I witnessed something I thought I'd never witness. Alice, Esme and Rosalie all ran towards each other squealing.

I noticed that Bella made no move to join them.

Joining in on the mess however was Emmett hugging them all, his very manly squeal standing out in the chaos.

Jasper showed up next to me looking pretty much horrified.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Rose is pregnant," I answered.

"While this is terrifying to witness, that's great news," Jasper said.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"Sure is," Bella agreed but her voice sounded odd, too upbeat.

I looked at her and she smiled back at me swiftly before approaching Rose to congratulate her.

"Do you think she's alright, man?" Jasper asked nodding in Bella's direction. "She's not squealing or anything."

"I don't know. I'll talk to her," I answered.

Something was definitely not alright.


	4. Chapter 4

_Hi!_

_I've had a bit of a scare. My computer broke down and had to be turned in for fixing. Thankfully this little fic was still on it when I got it back._

_Thanks for the reviews :)_

* * *

**Christmas, eight years ago**

* * *

"You'll hate him," Rose told me sneering.

She was talking about Mike, the guy Bella had begun dating. We were putting together a gingerbread house that looked awful, but Esme had insisted that we'd do it for the spirit of Christmas. Funnily enough she'd gone shopping with dad just when we'd started.

"Where did they meet again?" I asked even though I knew perfectly well where they'd met.

Rose laughed.

"At college. I can't believe he even managed to get in!"

"That's not very nice," Alice scolded but she sounded hesitant.

She always tried to be diplomatic, but I felt slightly worried when she looked at me frowning.

"He's not the smartest guy you'll ever meet, but..." she trailed off grimacing.

"He's nice right?" I asked. "I mean to Bella." Right about then I managed to break a piece of gingerbread meant to serve as the frontdoor to the house. Rose laughed out loud pointing rudely at my failure. Seriously. It was impossible to believe she'd just turned twenty-one.

"Aren't you supposed to be an expert on this?" she teased.

I scowled at her. That architects weren't construction workers wasn't something I was going to point out. I found that any time I spent on Rose was unnecessary and ineffective.

"What did you say earlier, sis?" Rose asked Alice. "That he's not the smartest guy?" she snorted. "Well I guess you could call him _nice _but nice guys are boring."

"He's okay, Edward," Alice said looking at me and ignoring Rose. "He's not a douche. Bella likes him, that's what matters."

But she still looked worried as if she was trying to convince herself.

Bella and Mike had dated for a few months. Me being the _The New Yorker _as they now called me hadn't even seen a photo of him.

"You're going to hate him," Rose said stubbornly. "I mean, you're _really_ going to hate him."

I rolled my eyes at her.

"Why do you dislike him so much?" Alice sighed irritated now.

"Let's just say he would never be _my _boyfriend".

And he wouldn't. He was Bella's boyfriend and for that I already disliked him. I didn't know what I was expecting, but somehow I was hoping life would be more like the movies. If this was a romantic comedy or drama she'd suddenly realize I was the guy she was looking for the very minute I boarded the plane to New York city last spring.

That didn't happen. Now enter Mike and all of my illusions had gone out the window.

When he finally showed up he smiled broadly at me as if he'd just found a long lost friend. I felt bad for him then. He was obviously hoping on connecting with one of few men in the Cullen clan. I decided to try, really try and like the guy, but he ruined it all on his own.

"_Eddy_!" he exclaimed and his bridges were burned.

I could barely speak.

"Mike," I got out trying my best to sound excited when I felt anything but.

Bella looked absolutely delighted clasping her hands together and everything.

"You guys have a lot in common!" she said and I looked at her like "_what the hell?_"

It turned out we had _nothing _in common. Just like Rose Mike didn't seem to have a clue about architecture which was fine, really, but the problem was he seemed to be clueless about pretty much everything. Talking to him was a true pain and Bella believing we'd quickly become the best of friends left me alone with Mike for the entire evening.

When Mike finally left Rose sneered at me.

"He called you Eddy," she said.

"I know," I replied irritated.

"I told you you would hate him," she said smugly.

And for the first time Rose was right.


	5. Chapter 5

_"Do you think she's alright, man?" Jasper asked nodding in Bella's direction. "She's not squealing or anything."_

_"I don't know. I'll talk to her," I answered. _

_Something was definitely not alright._

Shortly after I'd congratulated Rose and Emmett I noticed Bella going upstairs. I went after her. The door to her old room was closed and I knocked hesitantly on it.

"I'm fine," I heard through the door, but it was that kind of response that meant the complete opposite.

"It's me," I said. "Can I come in?"

I heard footsteps and then the door was unlocked. She didn't look at me, just simply turned around and walked back to her bed where she plopped down hiding her face with a pillow. The room looked the same as always. Tons of books and a huge poster of the first movie version of "Wuthering Heights" hung across the wall behind her desk. I closed the door behind me and followed her. I had a seat by the end of her bed.

"What's wrong?" I asked her gently.

She took a deep breath before she turned around, facing me.

"I wish I could reverse the last ten minutes and just join them squealing," she said somberly. "I feel like such a lousy person."

"You're not," I said and she smiled faintly.

"You always think the best of me."

I smiled back at her.

"Now what's on your mind?" I asked her.

She looked at me for a few seconds. I could see the worry in her eyes and I wondered what she was thinking. She sat up straight, folding one leg under the other. She took a deep breath as if to ready herself.

"I can't have a baby."

And then she was crying hiding her face with her hands. I sighed. This was heavy and certainly something I hadn't expected. I moved closer to her and held her tight. I knew how badly she wanted children and I felt like crying with her.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," I murmured and placed a light kiss on top of her head.

"I need a tissue," she laughed but her voice cracked.

I got up to get her some. When I came back she smiled at me faintly.

"Thanks," she said dabbing her eyes.

I looked at her worriedly. Knowing she was in pain was pretty much unbearable and I didn't know how I could make all of this better.

"I look horrible," she sighed.

Her eyes were red and puffy but it didn't matter. She was the most beautiful person in the world to me.

"Don't be silly," I told her.

She smiled slightly but her tears didn't stop falling. I put my arm around her and felt her shoulders shake. I kept telling her it was alright. Eventually she calmed down. I let her go.

"You'll never be able to have a child?" I asked her carefully.

She shrugged her shoulders.

"If I find the right match. Apparently my body is a little picky and the doctor suspected Mike's..." she grimaced. "You know, might not be up to par."

She looked thoughtful. Suddenly her eyes were wide with revelation. She took a hold of my hands which surprised me.

"What are you..." I began, but Bella hushed me.

"Do you think it's a sign?" she asked me, her eyes focused on me intently.

I shook my head.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I told her honestly.

"Maybe it's a sign that Mike and I don't belong together, if we can't have a baby. I don't know."

She got a faraway look in her eyes before looking at me swiftly. Then she started playing with my hands, turning them over as if she was inspecting them.

"What are you thinking?" I asked her curiously.

It wasn't until then I realized Bella was slightly uncomfortable. She was blushing.

"Do you remember when I started going out with Jacob?" She asked me.

Jacob.

Did I? I remembered him very clearly because they started going out when I'd just realized my feelings for Bella. I thought about Jacob as much as I thought about Bella back then. What did he have that I lacked? Was he Bella's type? Why couldn't he ever keep a shirt on whenever he was working on those damn cars? And so on and so forth. I asked a whole bunch of questions about Jacob. Of course not to Bella. I only asked her once. I wondered if he was handy and if he liked to work with cars for real (because that's as far away from me as possible). My hands had only touched a pen, never a screwdriver, so I had to know if I needed to get into cars in an effort to impress her. But Bella misinterpreted the whole thing and set up a date where Jacob would teach me everything he knew about cars. It was the longest afternoon of my life. No, most of my questioning was aimed at Alice. My youngest sister was a great advisor and always seemed to get me. That time, however, she got me wrong but I guess that only showed how equally obsessed I was with Jacob as I was with Bella.

_Does he work out a lot? Do you think he dresses nicely? Is he popular at school? Was he really prom king? Does Bella like him?_

All of my questions eventually lead Alice to look at me with wide eyes.

"Edward," she'd said seriously. "Do you _like_ Jacob?"

Needless to say I remember when Bella dated Jacob very well.

And it's probably my fault that some of my family members think I'm gay.

"Yes, I remember," I answered casually.

Bella smiled quickly before she started talking.

"Mom liked him," she began.

The word "why" was blurted out before I could stop myself. I didn't know why. Bella's mother Renée had liked pretty much everyone. She'd had the biggest heart.

Bella laughed.

"She thought he was very... Well, nice." She frowned. "I actually saw him a few days ago."

That I didn't like.

"What about Mike?" I asked.

Not that I really cared about Mike, but it sounded so uncharacteristic for Bella to be seeing other men behind his back.

She looked troubled.

"We've taken a break," she said.

"Oh."

"That's why he's not here," she continued warily. "We need some time apart to decide whether or not..." she trailed off sighing. For a moment I was afraid she was going to cry again but she took a deep breath and continued. "Anyways, I met Jacob, by coincidence actually," she laughed suddenly. "Of course I thought that was fate. We had a coffee and it was nice." She shook her head as if she felt stupid. "But he felt like my brother. So I could never have a baby with someone like that, right?"

"Yeah," I agreed.

She smiled.

"It would be like having a baby with you, you know?"

I smiled at that, but inside I couldn't help but to feel sad. Having children with Bella, marrying her, building a house with her - those were all things I dreamed about, and those were things she could joke about. It was an odd situation to say the least.

"But Renée always felt like we belonged together."

"You and Jacob," I said.

Bella shook her head, laughing a little.

"No. You and me, Edward."

She put her hand over mine.

My heart must've stopped. I looked at her.

"What did she say?" I asked curiously.

"She said, "you can date all you want, but you're going to end up with Edward Cullen whether you like it or not."" Bella was looking at me with a searching gaze. "Did I ever tell you that?"

My heart was pounding hard in my chest. I told myself to shape up.

"No," I answered, almost close to a whisper.

Bella let go off my hand.

"You might think I'm silly, but I've always thought about that. What she said. It was always in the back of my head."

She looked at me again.

"Those were one of the last things she ever told me so I guess that´s why it stuck with me." She laughed and seemed to be slightly embarrassed. "Just forget I ever said something, alright?"

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

She smiled a little.

"I'm confused. Mike and I are at a crossroads. I feel stupid for even telling you all this."

"Don't," I told her.

She looked intently at me, taking a deep breath. She took a hold of my hands again.

"I want you to know something," she said. "That no matter what we do with our lives you have always been and will always be the main person in mine."

Going back to the hotel that night I decided that on some point I needed to tell her.

There would never be a right time to do that. Bella had always been honest with me and I needed to be honest with her even if it could potentially ruin our friendship, but I told myself that we were strong enough.

That we would survive it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Christmas, nine years ago**

Moving to New York was quite a change. At first I felt lonely. I was used to being surrounded by family but in New York I didn't know anyone when I arrived. It was a thrill as well and I took the opportunity to reinvent myself, to start over and try not to be a loner. I was staying with two room mates who were also studying to become architects which meant that we were a never sleeping household. Notes and empty or half full coffee cups were all over the place.

Coming home for Christmas felt good. I had a lot to tell and I was hoping that my family would see that I had found my thing, but of course, Carlisle was still sensitive about me dropping out of med school. When I told him I was going to study architecture instead he had a hard time seeing me in that profession. He couldn't understand where it had come from. Since when had I ever shown any interest in buildings? Mostly he was disappointed. He'd tried brainwashing me into becoming a doctor ever since I was four years old and was handed the game Surgeon. A game I barely understood at the time.

I was his only son.

Alice showed very early on that clothes were her thing. Rosalie was too stubborn to be influenced by anyone or anything. Bella had always wanted to become a teacher. I had been the impressionable one, but even I had found my own thing now.

We were in the kitchen and he was eyeing me carefully as if he was trying to decide something.

"Maybe you're learning how to draw the perfect kidney," he said jokingly, but not really joking.

He was making fun of me. I wasn't stupid, but I tried not to care. I was too content with my life.

"And then turn it into a house," I suggested.

My dad smiled, but it didn't seem to reach his eyes.

"It's about being avantgarde, isn't it? Architecture?" he asked.

I appreciated the effort.

"Sometimes," I said. "Maybe I could show you one of my sketches some time," I suggested.

He nodded stiffly at that and then left. I stood alone in the kitchen contemplating how bad this really was and if it was going to blow over any time soon. He took it personally that I didn't want his career when in fact it was about me and what I wanted to do.

Esme showed up looking concerned.

"He'll come around," she said comfortingly.

"Maybe not any time soon," I added.

She laughed at that.

"Well he does like to keep us waiting."

If it was one thing my father was infamous for it was having people wait for him wherever he went. On my mother's and his first date he'd been an hour late. Esme had planned to leave but then he had showed up using a bad excuse and a killer smile and she'd forgotten all about it for the time being. My dad's a charmer and can talk his way in or out of anything. That's why most people find it tolerable to wait around for him. Esme is very patient to say the least. How many hours she's spent waiting on him through out the years I could only imagine, but if she hadn't neither Alice, Rose and I would be here. Carlisle would have just shown up to an empty table at that restaurant and moved on with his life.

Or if you believe in fate as my dad: there was no escaping for him. He would've ended up with Esme anyways, somehow.

His tardiness and inability to ever show up anywhere on time had a lot to do with his profession. He was constantly promising us that he'd show up for dinner on Christmas Day or that he'd be with us for Thanksgiving day, but then something happened at the hospital while he was doing rounds and he wouldn't show up until the day after. We never questioned it. Either he showed up or he didn't and both was okay because he was helping people and saving lives at the hospital. How could you blame anyone for that?

It did make Bella nervous though and I felt angry with my dad for not realizing that. He wasn't always the best at keeping in touch and letting us know when he needed to stay longer at work. He was often stressed and forgot to call. Bella had been traumatized enough from the night her parents died and I understood why people not showing up on time freaked her out sometimes.

The never ending work and that constant stress were two of the things that made me shy away from becoming a doctor. I was aware that if I succeeded as an architect I would have a lot of work to do but at least no one's life would depend on it and if I just got successful enough I could spend less time working and more time on the things I thought really mattered. Esme applauded that. She'd always hoped that I'd become a family man rather than a career man.

My dream was to start my own company, make it a successful one and then settle down.

Dad wasn't so sure I would succeed, but I was set on proving him wrong along the way.

Not so much to my surprise he asked to have a word later on in his study. He gave me this speech about how he wanted to be proud of me but was more ashamed than anything to admit he felt disappointed with me instead. I appreciated him being honest, but I couldn't help thinking that some things were better left unsaid.

What was I supposed to do with that? Go back to New York and feel bad?

I wanted him to take a step back and realize that I wasn't a kid anymore. I was still his son even though I didn't want to become exactly like him. Esme understood that but Carlisle didn't. I felt frustrated leaving his study that night after our conversation.

I went to the livingroom where I knew Bella was watching tv.

Secretly she was often the star of my settling down dream. How could she not be? To me she was perfect. I tried flirting with her sometimes. I knew the effect I could have on girls. Girls at my college would blush or start giggling if I focused on them long enough or if I flashed them a smile.

But Bella?

She blushed whenever there was a love scene in a movie or when Alice teased her about guys checking her out. She never blushed when I turned on my charm. When I said she looked pretty she said thanks and that was that or she'd just laugh it off.

I wasn't ready to give up just yet, but I certainly wasn't ready to put up myself for some real humiliation and tell her that she was the girl of my dreams. I could only imagine the word getting around and the look on everyone's faces. While I knew it would be considered unexpected and a bit strange considering she lived with us and was a part of the family, for me it was fully logical.

She was sweet, funny and truly cared for others.

When I entered the livingroom that night she could tell I was upset. I didn't even have to say anything. She got up from the couch and gave me a tight hug before ordering me to sit down beside her.

"I'm very proud of you, Edward," she said.

"Why?" I asked curiously.

She smiled widely.

"You follow your heart."

Then I wouldn't have moved to New York, I thought to myself looking at her.

I would have stayed in Forks.

* * *

_Thanks for the reviews. Jainsails gave some constructive criticism that was very helpful._

_I wanted to let you guys know I take it all in so feel free to let me know if you think something is bad or needs improving, or maybe you've got some ideas on what you want to see happen in the story._

_The story's basically already complete, but since it's a bit old I'm doing rewrites as I go. I've not fully decided yet if I'm going to keep the original ending or not so we'll see where we end up._

___dreamiedreamer: there's going to be some more flashbacks chapters which I hope will give some more insight into Edward's character and why he hasn't really made a move. I hope this short chapter gave a little glimse of that!_

_Thank you guys for reading! I feel like you're all rooting for Edward! I'll really try and update as often as I can._

_Happy new year everyone! :)_


	7. Chapter 7

**The twenty-second of December**

* * *

At six I got up and took a jog around the neighborhood. It was snowing heavily and I could barely see a meter in front of me. I wondered if dad had spent the night at the hospital. He never showed up for dinner yesterday, but that was expected. I never wanted to be like that. If I had a family I'd want to be on time always. I'd want to come home early.

For the millionth time I thought to myself I needed to cut back on work. Sure, my career was my passion, but there were things I wanted more. Things I wanted to focus on more. Like family. I was going to start with Bella and being there for her again, never again ignoring her calls as I'd done lately.

I got back after an hour. Just like yesterday I tried to do things slowly since I had a lot of time on my hands, but fifteen minutes later I had showered and shaved. I was in the hotel bath robe lying on the bed trying to relax for a while but I soon found myself in the same position as yesterday morning, eyes glued to the lap top. My fingers were itching to open it and do some work. I kept balling my hands into fists and then stretching out. Repeating the movement over and over as to keep myself from reaching out.

But I gave in to temptation soon enough and opened it. I logged in to check my email. The very second I did that however, I got a message.

_Log out Boss. I can see you're online._

From Jessica. I could practically feel her eye roll from just looking at the email. I quickly typed a response.

_Since when is that a crime?_

Her response came almost immediately.

_Since you swore to take some time off and visit the family?_

Jessica was quite the character. She'd worked for me ever since I started the company. She'd taken it as her role to try and boss me around. I let her do that because I knew she only meant well, but dictating my vacation? That was slightly crossing the line, yet I'd let her do that too. Hence why I was staying in Forks a few more days than last year. Maybe because I knew she was right, that I needed to get away from work.

I noticed she'd sent another message.

_Fifteen emails - nothing I can't handle. Now log out!_

I took a deep breath.

_Alright I will. Take care._

_You too, Edward. NOW LOG OUT!_

I slammed the lap top shut. Now what? I spent ten minutes on trying to pick an outfit. I finally settled on a dark blue shirt and black jeans. I tried taming my hair, but gave up quickly as many times before. Then I was in the car. If no one was awake at the Cullen household I could surprise them with breakfast or something. I had the spare keys in my pocket.

It was snowing today as well and Dean Martin was on the radio. Everything felt the same as last year but things weren't the same. Bella and Mike were on the verge of breaking up. While that would seem like good news for me, it wasn't. Bella was sad and the most important thing in the world to me was not that she'd fall in love with me. I just wanted her to be happy and right now she wasn't.

When I opened the front door she was right there to my surprise. It was eight o' clock and Bella liked to sleep in. I wondered if she'd slept at all.

"Edward! I saw you through the window. Come in. It's just Jaslyn and I."

Jaslyn showed up on the mentioning of her name and ran towards me.

"Good morning," I greeted as she hugged my legs tightly.

"Jas, let him take off his shoes first," Bella said laughing.

She reluctantly let go off my legs eyeing me timidly as I took off my coat and shoes. I went inside the kitchen where Bella was making coffee. We sat down by the table where Jaslyn was occupied with a coloring book, humming as she drew.

"How are you?" I asked Bella.

She made a face I could only interpret as bad.

"I'm feeling quite miserable, but the last couple of days I've been talking to Esme and Alice a lot," she said, then she leaned in talking in a hushed voice, "I even had a good talk with Rosalie last night now that she's nice."

I smiled at that.

"Stranger things have happened," I said, although this was definitely the strangest thing that had happened to our family yet.

Bella smiled.

"I'm going to be fine," she concluded.

We were quiet for a while, both of us looking at Jaslyn as she drew.

"Was I the last to know about you and Mike?" I asked curiously now looking at Bella.

"Yes," she confessed looking concerned.

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know," she admitted quietly looking down on her hands. "Well I do know," she changed her mind smiling slightly to herself.

Her big brown eyes looked directly at me. I always felt the need to look away when she did that. A kind of self-preservation, afraid that she'd see in my eyes just how much I adored her.

"You don't call me as often and when I leave you messages it usually takes you days to get back to me." She shook her head. "I feel like maybe I've been bugging you too much, you know?"

It's official. I was an idiot. What had I been thinking?

"I'm sorry, Bella," I told her sincerely.

"It's alright," she said shrugging her shoulders.

Again silence. She soon looked up smling whistfully at me.

"You never liked Mike anyways," she accused softly.

_Was it that obvious?_ I wondered.

"Some people connect. Some people don't," I said diplomatically.

She chuckled at that.

"I knew it the second he called you "Eddy". I hated that too. Only Emmett right?"

We smiled at each other in mutual understanding.

"Only Emmett," I agreed lightly. I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for not being there."

"It's fine, Edward," she said warily. "Really."

I shook my head knowing this wasn't true.

"No, it's not. I'll make it up to you."

She smiled unexpectedly.

"You're gonna build me a house?" she asked.

"Brick by brick," I promised.

"Look," Jaslyn said showing me her coloring book.

She showed me a drawing of a house to which she'd added three stick-figures herself. She went on to explain why she'd colored it purple (because it's her favorite color) and who lived there with her (Alice and I, because she loved us the most in the entire world).

"What about your dad?" I asked.

She shook her head violently with a scowl on her face.

I chuckled at that. Poor Jasper I thought. I'd ruled him out.

Bella smiled.

"What about me, Jas?" she asked.

She frowned in response and started drawing again, probably adding Bella next to the other stick-figures just to be nice.

"She's so sweet," Bella said reaching out to ruffle her hair gently. She looked on tenderly as Jaslyn drew, sighing. "It's hard to wrap my head around," she said. "I mean what guy my age would want to be with a woman who maybe won't be able to have children?"

"Sure there are men who don't want kids," I said. "I have plenty of friends who don't want kids and they're in their late twenties, early thirties, fully content." But I realized those are the kind of men who probably will be bachelors forever.

Bella laughed.

"Oh yeah? You should tell them there's a sad woman in Forks who might want them some day."

"You should visit me," I suggested. "I'll set you up," I winked at her jokingly.

She blushed a little to my surprise and shook her head smiling to herself.

"I haven't dated in a long time," she said. "Actually I'm curious. Offer me the men's perspective. How does it work for you nowadays?"

I pretended to think hard.

"I think dowry is the trickiest part," I answered seriously. "Goats or cash," I sighed deeply as if this troubled me a lot. " You never know what to get."

Bella smiled.

"Do you really don't date at all?" she asked me intrigued.

"What makes you think that?"

She leaned across the table swatting me playfully on the arm.

"You're full of it," she accused laughing.

I merely smiled.

"So..." she began, but was cut short by a booming voice.

"Good morning kids!"

Emmett.

"Good morning daddy," Bella greeted. "There's coffee."

"Congrats again, man," I said.

He grinned in response having a seat next to Bella and helping himself to some coffee.

"You'll both make lovely parents," she told him sincerely.

"I'm just glad you all finally get to see her like this. I mean, I'm not blind I know Rose can be..." he trailed off. "Difficult," he finally settled on smiling innocently.

Bella and I shared a swift look, both probably thinking the same thing. Difficult? Try unbearable.

"But to me she's always been the most wonderful person you know? With this baby..." he shook his head. "New beginnings, huh?"

"To new beginnings," Bella said smiling at us raising her coffee cup.

We all toasted to that.

We sat there talking a while longer until we heard the front door open.

"That must be old papa Carlisle," Emmett said.

I readied myself. Out of old habit I often felt tense about seeing my dad even though things were fine now. It had taken him a long time to accept the fact that I didn't want to be a doctor. It created some raft between us that had taken quite a while to build a bridge over where we could meet halfway. It happened three years ago when he visited me in New York a weekend. Coming with me to work one day he understood that I was considered to be the up and coming "it" architect in the business. Suddenly he was fine with me not becoming a doctor. Sometimes though when he spoke to me about some hypothetical case just for fun and I'd offer a solution he'd look at me smiling shaking his head while telling me I could have been a great doctor. But I'd just smile back shrugging my shoulders and then, just like that, we were over it. It's funny how things changed over the years. I was grateful that he finally understood that I knew perfectly well what I was doing. Still I always felt nervous upon seeing him for the first time in a while. When I saw him in the door way now and was greeted with a wide smile I released a breath I didn't realize I had been holding.

"Edward! Great to see you, son," he said embracing me tightly.

"It's great to see you too, dad," I said sincerely.

He held me at an arms length now squinting suspiciously at me. His blonde hair had streaks of grey in it in places. The only sign that my dad was getting older. It seemed like he didn't age at all.

"You look well. You sleeping alright?" he asked knowing fully well I usually worked non-stop.

"I sleep fine," I lied and he nodded happily. "And you?"

I noticed he looked exhausted, his clear blue eyes lacking the somewhat mischievous gleam they usually had. He smiled shrewdly.

"You know how it is," he said shrugging his shoulders ."I'm so sorry I couldn't be with you all last night. Emergency you know. I had to spend the night, but I'm here now."

"That's what matters," I said nodding.

"And Bella darling, come here," he said holding his arms out.

I had to jump aside when Jaslyn suddenly came running towards Carlisle. She crashed against Bella and Carlisle forcing them to cut their hug short. Bella shook her head smiling at her niece's entrance.

"Hello you!" Carlisle greeted getting down to her level to give her a hug. She practically shoved her coloring book in his face. I chuckled at how kids think the world circle around them and everything they do. Which in Jaslyn's case might be true.

"Hey doc!" Emmett called out loudly joining us now. "Saved any lives?"

Carlisle smiled.

"Emmett! Long time, no see," he said preparing for another hug.

I smiled at the exchange. Emmett and Rose had been together five years, married three of them but most of us went way back with Emmett. He and I had gone to the same school ever since we were kids and he was one of my closest friends growing up. Rose and he had known of each other for a long time since he came by the house sometimes but it wasn't until they both moved to Seattle that they saw each other for real. Adding Emmett to the family had made it a lot easier to deal with Rose since he was her complete opposite: always happy and always smiling. The most uncomplicated person I'd ever met.

I went to the kitchen leaving Carlisle and Emmett to it. I was happy to see Alice there. She smiled widely at me looking newly awake, her black hair looking like it had a life of its own.

"Hey big brother. Chaos out there huh? I'll say hi to him soon, let the old man catch his breath first."

I noticed she was preparing tea.

"I'll do that. You go and get a foot massage by Jasper," I teased.

She scoffed. Alice hated to be considered spoiled. Why I didn't know. It was all pretty clear. Especially when Jasper showed up in the doorway holding out his hands already as if he was waiting for someone to hand him a foot.

"Did someone say foot massage?"

Yep. He really said that.

"She's trained you well, man, "I told him.

"Gee thanks, Edward. I feel like a man now," he said sarcastically. Then he said something not so manly, "Honey sit down. I'll just go get that new lavender oil I bought. It smells like heaven!"

Alice and I looked at each other.

"Don't say a thing," she warned me as Jasper ran off to get the lavender oil.

I smiled at her.

"Wasn't going to."

She snorted in response.

Soon we were all seated around the table having breakfast. Rose and Emmett discussed baby names. There were some silly suggestions like Carlisla and Carlita (both Emmett's suggestions might I add).

Then he stood up suddenly announcing he had something to say.

"As you all now me and my dear Rosie are expecting..." he trailed off looking confused. "Well _someone,_" he settled on.

"Santa!" Jaslyn called out excitedly.

"Him too," Emmett confirmed seriously. "This one will be a little longer though," he said nodding at Rose's almost non existing bulge.

Then his eyes were on me.

"Edward, Eddy," he said clearing his throat. "You're like a brother to me and to Rose," he frowned. "Well obviously you are to Rose since you actually _are_ her brother, but you know you what I mean." He took a deep breath. "Will you do us the honor of being our baby's Godfather?" he asked.

"Of course, Emmett," I answered smiling. "Rose," I nodded at my sister.

To my surprise she had tears in her eyes smiling widely at me. She got up and went to my side of the table placing a big kiss on my forehead. I stood up to embrace her and she held me for a long time. I couldn't remember the last time I'd gotten a hug from Rosalie.

"Thank you big bro," she said happily, going back to her seat.

I noticed Alice crying too and couldn't help but to smile.

"It's the hormones, right Rose?" she sobbed.

Rose nodded.

"Yes, but I'm darn happy too."

Even Esme dabbed her eyes with a tissue now. Carlisle was chuckling. Jasper looked quite amused as well. Bella, she was obviously touched by the moment but she'd never been a public cryer.

"And Bella," Rose sniffled. "We'd love if you'd be our baby's Godmother."

She looked surprised.

"I mean you're my sister you know, as much as Alice is my sister," she said looking tenderly at Alice who smiled warmly in return.

"Why I'd be honored," she said.

"And you know you already got this," Alice added pointing to her bump. "I'll gladly hand her over anytime you want her, Bells."

"Now," Bella demanded.

Alice merely stuck her tongue out in response. It was good to see the usual banter again. I realized how much I've missed them all through out the year.

* * *

"Aren't Rose and Emmett sweet?" Bella told me when I was about to leave that night. "They acted like they were both planning on having me as the Godmother, but really they did that to make me happy considering everything."

"Oh I don't know," I said, though I had a feeling she was right. Rose was probably going for Esme but considering she'd changed she chose Bella instead. While Rose had been difficult with most of us through the years she'd always been coldest towards her. I knew this was probably her way to reach out and start fresh.

"It was all pretty see through," Bella said smiling. "But it's a sweet gesture nonetheless knowing they've got my back."

I nodded in agreement.

"So we're both Godparents now. It's going a bit too fast don't you think?" she joked.

I chuckled at that.

"Yeah we've only known each other nineteen years."

She smiled.

"So tomorrow," she began carefully. "...Will you go with me?" she asked. "It's the twenty-third," she reminded me although she didn't have to.

I knew exactly what day the twenty-third of december was. The date never changed.

"Always, Bella," I assured her.

She sighed, running her fingers through her hair.

"I don't want it to be a downer anymore," she said subdued. "I want it to be..." she trailed off looking for the right words. "Remembering the happy times, right? I think it's time to do that."

"Tell you what?" I said. "Tomorrow we'll share our favorite memories."

She bit her lip and nodded. Even though so many years had passed it was easy seeing Bella as fifteen again. When it came to this I guess in some sense she'd always be fifteen.

We hugged for a long time before I left.

* * *

_Thank you guys for reading. I know I'm a bit slow on updates so thanks for reviewing and still rooting for these two :)_

_Jansails: Yeah Carlisle is a bit of an asshole, I agree! but he came around in his own way._

_cullenmeadow: yeah, he'll man up... eventually, I think ;)_

_A review from Guest made me laugh, that Edward and Bella should go at it and make a baby in front of everyone! Woah, now that would be a Christmas to remember haha :D_

_Hopefully next chapter will be up on Thursday._


	8. Chapter 8

_Hi,_

_Thanks for reviewing. Some of you are getting real impatient and I get that ;) Do you think Edward is getting any closer?_

_Sorry for slow updates. Life is a bit crazy at the moment._

_Now... Next chapter!_

**The Twenty-third of December**

* * *

Bella wore a coat I recognized from last winter. It was red and a little bit too big for her. She looked so childlike and cute in it I couldn't help but to smile. We stepped outside. It was snowing today too. Tiny snowflakes landed gently on Bella's dark brown hair.

It had become tradition for Bella and I to head to the cemetery together. Everyone else paid their respects, usually showing up the day before to light a candle or the day after the twenty-third, but it had always felt right to be the two of us this day. We'd been a duo since the day we met and Bella preferred to keep it that way when going to the cemetery.

"So what's Mike doing now?" I asked.

Bella looked neutral, shrugging her shoulders.

"He's with his parents in Seattle. He's look for an apartment over there so that makes sense."

"And you're keeping the house," I concluded.

She'd inherited her parents' house and had moved there right after college. It was a lovely villa with a huge garden. I couldn't imagine her leaving it behind. It was such a big part of who she was, her history.

But she shook her head in response to my statement.

"I'm ready to move on," she answered. "I just don't know where I want to go yet."

I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that Bella and Mike weren't together anymore. I cursed inaudibly for thinking my odds looked better.

"But you're staying in Forks right?" I asked her.

Bella shrugged her shoulders.

"I have crazy thoughts of moving abroad," she answered warily. "Maybe France," she added with a small smile.

"I'm thinking about buying a place there," I blurted out.

"Are you serious?" she asked me surprised.

I hadn't really planned it but as I said it I realized I could might as well. I was earning a lot of money but had no idea what to do with it. Real estate is always a good investment and I loved France although I had only been in Paris one time for a short business trip.

But who was I kidding? Really?

I'd buy a house there to make Bella happy. A house she could stay in and call her own if that's what she wanted.

"Just a small place," I answered casually shrugging my shoulders. "I probably wouldn't have time to go there a lot though. You could live there," I filled in looking hopefully at her.

She shook her head smiling.

"That's crazy talk."

It was, but I meant every word. We reached the cemetery. It was a small place that was as serene and beautiful in winter as it was in summer. The snow was deep where we walked, heading to Charlie and Renée's grave. A tomb stone in the shape of a heart. I carefully started brushing off the snow off the top while Bella set up the two small lanterns we'd brought. Then we stood side by side.

"So a lot of years," Bella said softly.

"Standing here it feels like yesterday," I filled in.

"It does," she agreed quietly.

Bella took a deep breath.

"Thanks for always coming with me here. I know it's not the most joyous start to the day but you still come every year."

I smiled.

"It's no problem for me, Bella. You know that."

She nodded smiling slightly. Her smile quickly turned into a grimace as if she thought of something.

"Not everyone are like that though when it comes to this," she gestured towards the grave stone. "Mike came here with me once and he acted all jittery, checking his watch all the time."

_Pfft Mike._ I can't say I'm surprised.

"That's disrespectful," I said disapprovingly.

She smiled shrewdly.

"He did his best. Some people find this real hard. The secret is to learn to live with it. Death is always with us, in everything we do." She paused. "We're all dying," she added.

I looked at her frowning. Her eyes were fixed on the tombstone, her facial expression slightly pained. I wondered when this had changed, when she'd become like this. Had it happened this year or had it been happening for a long time and I'd been too blind to see it?

Had her separation from Mike done this?

"Bella," I said getting her attention.

"Yes?"

"It's going to be alright," I told her seriously. "You know that, don't you?"

She smiled weakly.

"I don't, Edward." She sighed. "None of us know that."

I put my arm around her and I soon felt her relaxing into my half embrace.

"It will," I tried again. "Hey," I said looking down at her from the side. "Why don't you come visit me in New York? I could take a few days off and we could go to all your favorite places," I suggested. "You could fly back with me after New Year's."

She giggled then, she actually giggled. One of my favorite sounds in the whole world, especially now knowing she was sad.

"I can't do that," she answered. "I do have a job, remember?"

"So?" I urged lightly. "Quit."

She rolled her eyes.

"Quit," she repeated dryly. "Right. That's teacher of the year for you right there."

"Congratulations again," I said.

"Thanks," she answered.

We stood there quiet for a few seconds. It was a nice moment, Bella leaning slightly into my embrace. I felt her sighing as if she was relieved.

"What do you need?" I asked her quietly.

I hated seeing her sad, hearing her talking about death as if it was not only a part of life, but even bigger than life itself.

"I don't know," she answered, her voice almost a whisper.

"We'll figure it out," I told her soothingly.

Then we were quiet again.

"Hey, you want to hear one of my favorite memories?" I asked her. She answered yes and I went ahead and told her about the time Charlie and Renée had the brilliant idea of going to the La Push, our local beach. I was invited to come along and we'd gotten halfway there when the car suddenly broke down. It was muddy out and Charlie stood by one of the back tires acting like he knew what he was doing. He jokefully ordered "_now give it some gas!_"

Bella and I stood by the side of the car laughing our asses off as we watched Charlie get mud all over his face. We had no idea what he'd expected telling Renée that. He'd looked so miserable spitting out mud and I remember Renée leaning over the wheel, doubled over laughing loudly.

"She was such a klutz," Bella remembered affectionately. "And he too. I guess we know where my clumsiness come from right?"

"You're not clumsy," I lied through my teeth.

"Yeah, I just fall on flat surfaces," she filled in.

I smiled crookedly knowing it was true. She sighed.

"Everything's upside down. Do you ever feel like that?"

"Most of the time," I answered honestly.

"What do you do about it?" she asked curiously.

I gave it some thought. I wanted to answer honestly that I live in my upside down world hoping one day I'll get used to it and not even think about the fact that it's upside down anymore, but I felt like lightening the mood.

"Nothing," I answered. "Welcome to my world, Bella," I winked at her.

"Your world, huh?" she said intrigued.

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. There was something in the way she looked at me that made my heart skip a beat. She turned slightly so that she was properly hugging me.

"I've missed you, Edward," she murmured into my chest.

It was almost ridiculous how well she fitted in my embrace. I savored the moment, holding her tightly.

"I've missed you too," I told her sincerely, lightly leaning my chin on top of her head.

She let go suddenly.

"We should head back," she said. "Maybe Esmée needs help with dinner for tonight."

Right. Tonight was the Christmas party.

"Yeah," I agreed.

So we headed home.

"Eddy!" Emmett's voice boomed as soon as I got inside. He grinned widely at me. "My man, look who's come early!"

He stepped aside. For a second his excitement had spread to me, but when I saw who it was I felt my face drop.

"Hey handsome! Long time no see!" the woman chimed brightly.

I smiled stiffly in response.

Tanya.

_Great._


	9. Chapter 9

Before I knew it Tanya threw herself at me, excusing herself for her excitement.

"It's just that I don't get to see you that often. Not after you left us for New York!"

"That was almost a decade ago," Bella filled in trying to sound casual but I could hear her irritation seep through. She'd never liked Tanya very much.

"Oh, hi _Isabella_," Tanya said coolly before turning to me again. "How are you?" she asked. "Well _handsome_, I can _see _that," she laughed "but you know how is everything? With work and all that?"

I was overwhelmed by her energy. I hadn't even taken off my coat. I felt like she'd trapped me in a corner. Actually she kind of had trapped me in a corner, literally.

"Warm," I answered. "I'll just..." I trailed off feeling Tanya's hands on me, dragging off my coat. I could see Emmett grinning wiggling his eyebrows at me from where he was standing. I felt like slapping him but I couldn't reach him from where I was, not with Tanya in the way. Bella huffed irritatedly. While I appreciated Tanya's assistance I had to discreetly steer her hands away from my ass. I had no idea what she was thinking. My jeans were most definitely staying put.

"It's okay, I got it," I told her smiling stiffly as I got a hold of my coat, putting it on a hanger. "How are you?" I asked her politely taking off my shoes before she'd start working on my feet as well.

She smiled widely, revealing a row of perfect pearly whites. Thing is, Tanya is a beautiful woman. She's blonde, tall and slender. Picture perfect most guys would say, but I already had my dream girl and she was brunette and petite and simply perfect. More importanly she was Bella. Bella and Tanya were pretty much opposites when it came to personality. I knew why Tanya had her eyes set on me though: I was one of few who'd resisted her charms and she couldn't take it. She'd told me that a couple of times when she'd had too much egg nod at the annual Christmas party.

"I'm perfect," she answered brightly. "I only stopped by to drop off some food for tonight."

"Oh," I said. "That's nice."

She gestured towards the kitchen.

"Come on in," she said alluringly.

Bella rolled her eyes at me as soon as Tanya was out of sight. I followed her quickly wanting to get this overwith.

"So you're doing well in New York, I hear. And still alone there in such a _big big _city," she said making dramatic wide eyes.

"I'm fine," I said. "And I'm not alone. There's a lot of people living in New York."

She laughed out loud.

"Oh, you're funny!" she commented poking me at my chest, getting closer. "But even in a crowd one can get so lonely," she said meaningly.

Where the hell was Emmett and Bella?_ Anyone_? Well it didn't matter. I was a grown man. I could handle this.

"So, I'll see you tonight," I said lightly taking a step back.

"I like the way you think," she commented winking at me.

Seriously how could she even be reading me like that? She was messing with me. I felt very strongly like rolling my eyes, but I didn't.

"Well I'm on my way," she said suddenly.

"Already?" I asked trying not to sound too hopeful.

She smiled wistfully in response.

"_Edward,_ a girl needs to get ready before a party, am I right? Especially if she's got a hot date," she winked at me.

She leaned in, giving me a tight hug and I felt her hands running along my spine.

"Well it was good to see you," I told her neutrally.

"See you tonight," she whispered in my ear before letting go.

She waltzed out leaving me shaking my head. Emmett turned up almost immediately after Tanya left.

"Dude, I'm sorry. She practically threatened to have my balls if she didn't get you alone."

I raised one eyebrow at him.

"Well, maybe she didn't say exactly that, but her eyes, dude. _Her eyes_!"

Esme showed up telling us we'd have brunch any minute now. Bella was scowling at me as I sat down beside her and I had no idea why. A few minutes passed by before she finally spoke.

"You need to tell her how it is," she told me sternly. "She's all up in your face and you let her. I don't know what it is, if you're too nice or if you're interested in her but too intimidated to make a move, but you need to be clear with whatever it is you're feeling."

I knew she was right but I'd never been good at letting anyone down. I'd gone on dates before simply because I couldn't find it in me to say no, fearing I'd hurt someone's feelings. Somehow I knew though that Tanya wouldn't be hurt if I told her exactly like it was, that I had no interest in her whatsoever. I didn't know how many excuses I'd used but she must've seen through most of them. Maybe she simply liked bugging me.

But hearing this from Bella was odd. She was really annoyed with me.

"After tonight I won't have to see her for another year," I answered casually shrugging my shoulders.

"So you're doing the long distance thing?" she asked me.

"What?!" I let out laughing slightly. "That's absurd."

"You and Tanya could definitely count as a long distance relationship," she commented louder so everyone could hear.

If she wanted the attention to be focused on us, it was happening.

I looked at her incrediously.

"Are you seriously implying that I'm having some kind of relationship with _Tanya_? What kind of relationship would that be?" I ask laughing slightly. "I show up here every year and try to keep her from groping me while she's taking off my coat? And then I try and fight her off before I go back home?"

Emmett snorted loudly and I could hear Jasper laughing out loud.

"She groped you?" he asked.

But I ignored him, looking at Bella. What was up with her? She was scowling back at me.

"_You try and fight her off?_" she repeated incredulously. "You _don't_. I saw you. You stand there and let her have her way with you," she accused.

This was silly. Why was she arguing with me about this?

"Are you serious?" I asked her.

"I am," she answered stubbornly. "You could at least try and stand up for yourself some time, right? If she's that annoying to you?"

"She's kind of an unstoppable force, Bella," Alice chimed in coming to my defense. "What is he supposed to do? Shove her away?"

"He can't shove her away," Esme commented shaking her head disapprovingly.

"Oh, Esme. You're the one who got him into this mess," Carlisle commented. "Why do you insist on inviting the Denali's ever year?"

She shrugged her shoulders in response.

"Because she wants Edward to find someone. I think that's sweet," Rose joined in on the conversation.

We all looked at her somewhat shocked for a few seconds. It was still unusual for Rose to be nice.

"I don't like Tanya," Jaslyn said sourly.

Bella shook her head.

"She's too much," she muttered. "I wish you could just tell her to back off."

I was still confused. Bella and I hadn't even been close to arguing in years. I couldn't remember the last time she was even remotely irritated with me or I with her. What was going on?

"I'm not interested in her," I said firmly. "I've told her I'm gay. Why would I do that if I liked her coming onto me?" I asked.

"Wicked sense of humour?" Emmett filled in grinning.

"You're not acting gay with her at all," Bella said raising one eyebrow.

I swore the entire table was quiet now, watching the two of us. I didn't know what to say to Bella's accusation. Yeah, maybe I was too nice but it wasn't like I was flirting back to her or reaching out fysically to her in any way.

And why would I have to defend myself to Bella? Why did I even feel the _need _to do that?

"Maybe Tanya can be a bit much. I do agree with Bella," Esme said carefully attempting to break the tension in the room. Then she looked alarmingly smug and I knew she had something else in store. "Your dad and I intend to set you up with a woman called Irina. Super sweet," she said brightly.

Emmett snorted loudly.

"Her name is Irina Supersweet?"

We all ignored his bad attempt at a joke.

"She really is nice, a sweet girl," Carlisle added nodding approvingly. "Works at the hospital."

"Thanks but I'm not interested" I declined the set up politely.

Emmett looked at me as if I was keeping a secret from him.

"Dude, have you met someone?" he asked.

"No."

"He has!" Jasper called out.

"Tell us, honey," Esme said softly.

"Tell us!" Alice ordered excitedly.

"You have?" Bella asked, seeming less irritated now than before.

I wasn't smiling like they were. Instead I felt annoyed. Fed up with this whole situation getting repeated year after year, fed up that I had never managed to get over Bella although so many years had gone by. And annoyed as hell that she thought I was interested in Tanya.

And now Esme and Carlisle had invited Irina here. I could only hope they hadn't invited her only for me. I felt bad for her if that was the case.

"Why do you do this all the time?" I asked all of them. They immediately went quiet, looking at me as if they were seeing me for the first time. It occured to me that I'd never told them off for anything and that I'd never let them know how uncomfortable they made me feel every time they brought up my love life. I sighed, feeling very tired all of a sudden. "I'm living my own life and make my own decisions and I'm sorry if it doesn't match yours," I said. I got up from my seat.

"Don't leave," Alice pleaded.

I looked at her and my expression softened slightly. I knew they all meant well.

"I need some fresh air. I'll be right back," I told her.

I didn't look at anyone before I left but I was pretty sure they were a bit taken aback by my small outburst. I put on my coat and went outside. I felt like I was on the brink of something happening, but I couldn't decide whether it was good or bad. Right now it felt mostly bad. I took a deep breath and began walking. Soon I heard someone running, maybe to catch up with me. I prayed to God that it wouldn't be Bella. I wouldn't be able to talk to her right now without telling her exactly what had been on my mind for the past years. That I loved her. That I always had.

"Edward!"

I looked over my shoulder, not very surprised to see Alice. She shouldn't be running like that, but she was surprisingly fast considering she was eight months pregnant.

When she reached me, she leaned onto me to catch her breath.

"What are you doing?" I asked her amused.

She took a deep breath and gestured for us to begin walking.

"Let's go," she said hooking her arm in mine.

It was typical Alice to never allow anyone to be alone even when you specifically stressed that you seriously wanted to be alone. Alice always said that no one ever _really_ wanted to be alone. Maybe she was right.

"Will you tell me what's going on with you?" she asked me after some time.

I looked ahead of me and sighed.

"I wish you would all stop worrying about me." I said.

And of course, Alice looked worried.

"But that's not it. You're hiding something," she said.

I thought about how bad I wanted to tell my sister. How bad I wanted to tell anyone really. People around me assumed I had never been in love when in fact I had been in love since I was sixteen years old. Bella had been in love with someone else for the past seven years and maybe she was still in love with him. If this was my kind of universe we would've been high school sweethearts. We would've gotten married before college. We would've moved in together. We would live in a small apartment at first, but then I'd sketch Bella's house, build it and we'd move. We'd have kids eventually. We'd watch them grow. We'd stay together till the very end of our days.

But reality wasn't like that.

Bella had no clue about our secret life and I was just staying up late in a big apartment in New York fantasising all of this.

I didn't realize I had tears in my eyes until Alice spoke.

"Edward, stop walking for a second," she ordered me softly. "I'm going to give you a hug whether you like it or not," she warned.

So I let Alice hug me the way she could. With her giant belly in the way she still held me tight.

"So, I am going to tell you something. A secret," I decided.

She let go and looked at me with a worrisome expression.

"Okay," she said warily.

We began walking again.

"You can't tell anyone," I told her.

"Cross my heart and hope to die," she promised.

"I _have_ met someone" I confessed quietly.

"When?" she asked me.

"When I was fifteen," I answered, my voice strangely distant.

Alice stopped in her tracks.

"That girl you dated? What was her name? Lauren?"

I shook my head.

Realization dawned on her face.

"Bella?" she guessed.

I merely nodded. Alice stopped walking. I could see that she was thinking hard, but what she did next suprised me.

She started to cry loudly and uncontrollably.

"Oh, Edward!" she sobbed and threw herself at me.

"It's fine," I comforted her.

"It's not fine!" she cried dramatically into my chest.

I looked around to see if someone was nearby, but we were alone. So I let her cry and patted her awkwardly on the back.

"You have to tell her," Alice sobbed more quiet now.

"Why?" I asked her.

She let go and looked up at me with red and puffy eyes.

"She might feel the same," she said.

I sighed.

"Why now?" I asked shrugging my shoulders. "She's been with Mike for the past seven years. If it wasn't for the baby thing, they'd still be together."

Alice shook her head.

"She has always chosen you over Mike. You just don't see that."

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

She let go of me and dried her tears.

"Well, like last spring. Mike wanted to take her to Paris and you know that she has always wanted to go to Paris, but she went to New York."

I frowned.

"So?"

"To be with you." she said softly.

I sighed.

"That doesn't mean anything, Alice. They were probably having a hard time even back then."

"You can say what you want but that's what I think."

We walked in silence for some time.

"I can't believe I didn't see this coming," Alice said incredulously.

"Well you can't foresee everything," I told her.

Alice usually had a knack for seeing things coming others didn't, but she'd missed out on this one.

She sighed.

"You need to tell her," she told me once again.

I didn't know what to say because I wasn't sure if I needed to or not. If I'd ever planned to do that. It was like I was waiting for some sign.

"It could wreck our family," I said.

Alice frowned at that.

"How? Love can't wreck anything."

"It can. Maybe she'll hate me for putting her in a difficult situation."

"So she'll hate you because you love her?"

I smiled.

"When you put it like that it sounds crazy, but..." I trailed off not knowing where I was going with this.

"But?" Alice urged.

I sighed deeply.

"You're really annoying, you know that?" I told her.

She smiled widely.

"Just promise me you'll think about it?"

I nodded.

"I will," I promised.

When we got back inside Bella asked if she could talk to me. We went up to her room and she seemed nervous, jittery almost, pacing around the room. I'd had a seat in the chair by her desk watching her, waiting for what she was going to tell me.

"Look," she said sternly. "I'm sorry for lashing out on you like that. It was immature and it won't happen again." She looked at me warily. "Am I forgiven?" she asked carefully, stopping in her pacing.

_God she was adorable_, I thought to myself. I smiled in response.

"There's nothing to forgive," I told her honestly. "You're right. I could probably be more clear with her," I said casually. "But just so _we're _clear, I have no interest in Tanya. I've never had any kind of interest in her."

"Oh," Bella said looking embarrassed. "I actually didn't think that. I mean, she's nice in her own way I guess," she obviously lied through her teeth, "I just didn't think she was the kind of woman you like."

"She's not," I clarified.

"So what are the kind of women you like?" she asked casually, having a seat on her bed.

"Well," I began running my fingers through my hair. How the hell was I supposed to answer this one? I looked at Bella and maybe I looked at her too intensely because suddenly she was blushing.

"It's very warm in here, don't you think?" she asked fanning herself with her hand.

I smiled at her. I told myself not to get my hopes up. Maybe it really was warm in here and maybe that made her blush, but I couldn't help thinking it was me, that I was making her nervous. Maybe because there was something there and she could feel it too.

Maybe that was why she'd asked me what kind of women I preferred.

God, I hoped that was the case.


End file.
